


Love Is... Really Offensive

by pennywritesthings (orphan_account)



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Very Offensive and Crude Humor, bo burnham - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 08:20:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9539504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/pennywritesthings
Summary: You're really offensive, and your boyfriend Burnie is also really offensive. Really, the two of you were meant for each other.Songfic based off of Bo Burnham's highly offensive "Love Is..."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Song is Bo Burnham’s “Love is…”. I highly recommend you check it out if you’re not easily offended. I had to cut out some parts of the song because I wasn’t sure if you guys would be too offended. But, hey. Here you go.

I love you like Kings love Queens  
Like a gay geneticist loves designer jeans/genes  
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought  
Like Hitler’s father needed to learn to pull out

And I want you, yeah  
Like a lawyer/mathematician wants some kind of proof  
And I want you, yeah  
Like JFK wanted a car with a roof

Because love is taking that dive  
And then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool   
And love is a real life porn, minus all the stuff that makes porn cool  
And love is a homeless Geoff searching for treasure in the middle of the rain  
And finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they’re all filled with chocolate  
And even though he’s heartbroken, he can’t complain ‘cause he was hungry in the first place

Because I love you like Dora loves maps  
Like the Pope’s toilet loves holy craps  
I need you like a voyeur needs a branch  
Like Michael and Gavin tossing salad need a little bit of Neverland Ranch

And I want you, yeah  
Like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform  
And I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her fucking diary

Because a diary is a collection of secret things that nobody’s supposed to read  
That’s the whole point of a diary  
Millions of people have breached this little girl’s privacy after she was chased by the Nazi’s  
Kick her while she’s down

And if we met in 10,000 BC   
You’s my caveman and I was your cave lady  
If we got hot, we’d start rubbin’  
If we got hungry, we’d go clubbin’   
There’s wooly mammoths, you’ll protect us  
I’m making you devolve to a homo erectus, motherfucker

Because love is your favorite food  
For every breakfast, lunch and dinner  
And love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles  
And even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape  
Now you don’t want to reduce it at all   
Cause if the rape rate declines you’ll see an equal decline in whistle sales  
Without rapists, who’s gonna buy your whistles?

Yeah, love is all about whistles.

After you sing the last line and play the last note, laughter rings through the podcast set. You look out of the corner of your eye and see at least fifteen people carefully out of view of the cameras laughing their asses off as quietly as possible, but you only look at them for a few seconds before turning to your boyfriend of a year, Burnie.

You had spent weeks trying to write an offensive love song to sing to him that was just as offensive as you both were on your anniversary (today), but had forgotten all about the podcast you were supposed to join. Thankfully, you had never been affected by stage fright, so you brought out a keyboard from the animation department (what was one doing there in the first place?) and just performed at the end of the podcast.

“So?” You asked hopefully, bouncing in your seat next to Barbara. “Do you like it?”

“Like it?” Burnie choked out through his laughter, making you grin at the strange face the action made. “I love it! C’mere, you!”

You quickly made your way over to your boyfriend and flung yourself into his waiting arms. “Happy anniversary, babe.” You mumbled into his chest. 

“Happy anniversary to you too, baby. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Before your lips could touch his, you heard Gus gagging in the background. 

“Fucking gross, guys. The song was fine, but I don’t want to see you kissing.”


End file.
